Complete and Utter Randomness
by HermioneCrookshanks919
Summary: Complete and utter randomness just about sums it all up. Hermione is in love with both Harry and Voldie, and Ron and Luna belong together at least on a 50 year expedition in Russia.
1. Randomness and Mashed Potatoes

**_Wicked lyrics/script in bold... do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters. Bet you wouldn't have guessed that, would you?_**

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Harry and Hermione walked through Hogsmeade, perusing the shops for school supplies. They were interrupted, however, when the people of Hogsmeade started… singing?

"**Good news! He's dead!**

**The Headmaster of Hogwarts is dead!**

**The wickedest wizard there ever was**

**The enemy of all of us, he was**

**Is Dead!**

**Good news!**

**Good news!**"

Hermione and Harry raised their eyebrows at each other.

"What are they talking about?" Harry asked Hermione.

"No idea," Hermione replied. "Let's find out. Mind you, we must be subtle about our interest."

"Er, why?"

"Well, they obviously hate Dumbley, so…"

"Right."

The duo then turned their gaze back to this group of lunatics.

"Er…" Harry said. He was at a loss of words. Luckily, Hermione, being cool headed, took over.

"What the Hell are you talking about?" Hermione asked the crowd.

"Very subtle," Harry said, nodding with approval. "You'd make a good auror." Hermione blushed with happiness. She always knew she'd make a grand auror. There was no doubt in her mind that her interrogation skills were above extraordinary.

The people of Hogsmeade turned to stare at Harry and Hermione.

"Don't you know?" they asked them in unison.

"Er, no," Harry said apologetically.

"Well, you see, Dumbledore has died!"

"What?" Harry and Hermione gasped, horrorstruck.

"Oh, don't worry," said a village person, with a wave of her hand. "He was actually Lord Voldemort in disguise."

"…"

"No, really. Not only that, but you know your friend Ron?"

"Er…"

"Well, Dumbledore's actually Ron's future self."

"What!" Hermione exclaimed. "Where did you come up with that crap?"

"Their eyes," the person said knowingly. "They had the same colored eyes."

"That doesn't make sense!" Hermione cried, throwing her hands up in exasperation. She then pulled them down and across her chest, where her small breasts had suddenly become huge, causing her immense amount of cleavage to be seen through her now suddenly skimpy shirt. She then ran a finger through her hair, which had somehow become thick, luscious curls of golden blonde.

"Oh, but it does," the villager replied.

Hermione threw up her arms again and then grabbed Harry, apparating them to Hogwarts, despite the fact that this was impossible.

Hermione and Harry walked into the Great Hall. The room erupted in… song?

"Look! It's Harry!" someone screamed from the crowd. Harry stared at the crowd. Hermione pushed him and whispered, "They want you to talk!"

"Er…" Harry decided to break out in song, as well. After all, he felt this was the only way to speak with this pack of idiots.

"**Let us be glad**

**Let us be grateful**

**Let us rejoicify that goodness could subdue**

**The wicked workings of you-know-who**

**Isn't it nice to know**

**That good will conquer evil?**

**The truth we all believe'll by and by**

**Outlive a lie**

**For you and **– "

"Harry!" Hermione interrupted. "What are you doing?"

Harry, scowling, walked over to Hermione. "What is it? I was on a roll there…"

"You are acting like Dumbledore is evil! Even worse… you said… rejoicify." Hermione shuddered.

"Oh, Hermione," Harry said chuckling. "I'm just trying to relate to the people. Now, if you excuse me, my fans await." But, before Harry could continue, the Hall erupted once again in music.

"**No one mourns the Wicked**

**No one cries 'They won't return!'**

**No one lays a lily on their grave**."

Harry sniggered.

"What is it?" Hermione asked.

"Lily," he said laughing. "They said 'lily.' My mum's name was Lily. Lay a lily on his grave. Ha ha."

Hermione rolled her eyes. This is what happens to the famous. They go insane. Thank God she wasn't famous and was just, smart (genius even), not cocky, Hermione.

"**The good man scorns the Wicked**!" the students sang.

"**Through their lives, we students learn**

**What we miss, when we misbehave**."

Harry, angry at being ignored, cut in.

"**And Goodness knows**

**The Wicked's lives are lonely**

**Goodness knows**

**The Wicked die alone**

**It just shows when you're Wicked**

**You're left only**

**On your own**."

"Oh, God," Hermione said. "Please help us. Everyone has gone insane."

The students of Hogwarts continued singing.

"**Yes, Goodness knows**

**The Wicked's lives are lonely**

**Goodness knows**

**The Wicked cry alone**

**Nothing grows for the Wicked**

**They reap only**

**What they've sown**."

Harry stood on top of a chair, and addressed the crowd. "**Are people born Wicked? Or do they have Wickedness thrust upon them**?"

"Oh, God," said Hermione. "No. Do not let Harry get philosophical. Regular Harry is scary enough right now. What are you trying to do to me?" she yelled at the ceiling. Somehow, no one heard her scream.

"**After all, he had a father. He had a mother, as so many do**."

"No, really?" Hermione said, frustrated. What the Hell was wrong with him?

Then, Harry went back to singing, trying to impersonate a father, a mother, a secret lover, and a midwife. Hermione wasn't sure if she should stab him or just throw him across the hall.

"**How I hate to go and leave you lonely**," Harry said, pretending to be the father. He then turned into the mother. "**That's alright - it's only just one night**." Back to father. "**But know that you're here in my heart/While I'm out of your sight**."

Before continuing, Harry explained, "**And like every family - they had their secrets…**" he then went on to pretend to be the singing lover. "**Have another drink, my dark-eyed beauty/I've got one more night left, here in town/So have another drink of green elixir/And we'll have ourselves a little mixer/Have another swallow, little lady/And follow me down. **"

"Harry," Hermione cried, aghast. "Ew…"

Harry shrugged, and then addressed the crowd once more. "**And of course, from the moment he was born, he was - well – different…**"

Harry stole Madame Pomfrey's hat and pretended to be the midwife. "**It's coming**." Back to father. "**Now**?" Back to midwife. "**The baby's coming. **" Back to father. "**And how**!" Next, he pretended to be the midwife _and_ the father (by now, his impersonations were starting to piss off Hermione, for, although he was convinced he was, Harry had no career in acting, let alone Broadway). "**I see a nose/I see a curl/It's a healthy, perfect/Lovely, little…**" Now he was only the father. "**Sweet Oz!**"

"Oz?" Hermione raised her eyebrow at him. "Since when do we live in Oz?"

"Shh…" Harry said, wagging a finger at her. "Don't interrupt my work of art. Now, back to my performance…" He then pretended to be the mother, putting on a voice that sounded almost a high as Ron's when he was scared.

"**What is it?; what's wrong? **" Back to the midwife… (_sigh_) "**How can it be**?" Father: "**What does it mean**?" Midwife: "**It's atrocious. **" Father: "**It's obscene**!" Midwife and father (Hermione now held a potato in her hand, which she was debating on throwing at Harry): "**Like a froggy, ferny cabbage/The baby is unnaturally green**!"

"What the Hell?" Hermione cried. "Dumbledore wasn't green!"

"Of course he was," Harry said matter of factly. "He had to have been. Because, green is a magic color. If he wasn't green, then he wouldn't have been important. Take for example my eyes and the curse that didn't kill me."

"So, let me get this right," Hermione said angrily. "To be special, you have to be _green_?"

"See," said Harry happily. "You're not quiet as dumb as you look."

"Okay, that's it!" Hermione cried. She flung the potato at him. Harry stared at her in shock, covered in potato.

He rose his wand and cried, "_Avada Potato_," and, yes, I am sorry to say someone died. But, it was not Hermione, for Harry's eyes had been covered in potato, and his wand had been pointing at Malfoy.

Harry wiped his eyes clean, and saw that Malfoy was dead. Hermione had expected him to be happy, but to her horror, he broke down in tears.

"What's wrong with you?" Hermione cried. "You just killed Malfoy!"

"I know," Harry bawled. "I just realized now that I love him!"

"WHAT!"

"I mean, look at him. He had blonde hair, and blue eyes, and is cute."

"But you hate each other! You've wanted one another dead since you met!" Hermione screamed at him.

"Yes," Harry said in a knowingly way, "but, if you fight with someone it means that you're madly in love with them. And I now realize that Draco was my soulmate!"

"Oh. My. God." Hermione closed her eyes. "This isn't happening. YOU FREAK!"

"I'm not a freak!" Harry yelled at Hermione. "You're just jealous because I have a pretty cut in my head that makes me go crazy and you don't!"

Hermione stared at him and then shook her head. "I think," she said, "it's time for a new chapter, because if we stay in this one, I just may well have to kill you."

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**_Muahaha. Randomness! Review, please! And note, I told you it was going to be random...hahaha...heh._**

HermioneCrookshanks


	2. Wood Polish How to Get a Good Bargain

**_Well, this one is longer and more random than the rest... please don't be insulted by our treatment of Ginny laughs Remember. Totally random. I do not own Harry Potter or any other characters. That is all Rowling's. _**

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"Dear Minerva," Hermione wrote, biting her tongue with her teeth. She hesitated. How should she continue with this letter? "Once you remove the stick from up your ass I'd like for us to have a meeting about issues occurring with the 7th years."

_Yes, that was the way to continue it_, Hermione thought, _polite and diplomatic_. That was why she was the Head Girl, after all.

Pleased with herself she headed down the stairs of the girls dormitory...but then fell because a first year was dared to try to go up by his friends.

"You little..." Hermione screamed. She took out her wand and yelled. "AVADA POTATO!" With this, I am sorry to say, the boy was beaten to death with unripe sweet potatoes. It was not a pretty sight. But that's what you get for trying to get into the girl's dormitory.

Pleased that he learned his lesson and would never try it again she was now looking at a mess of blood and smashed potatoes. She ordered the idiots who had dared the boy to clean it up..._That will teach those little jackasses_, she thought giddily.

Hermione then "whistled a happy tune," and skipped over to the Great Hall. After all, it had been a great day so far. A nice letter to her transfiguration Professor and the violent death of a first year - how could it get better?

Muttering to herself about the way certain people never did that in their books and really should otherwise the runts would never learn she went over to her house table for a nice breakfast. Killing someone with the Avada Potato curse does take a lot of energy. What she saw at the table did not make her happy because instead of the normal breakfast they had...

Wood. Polished oak to be exact. Hermione stared at her plate. What were they thinking? She wasn't a beaver any longer! Not since the fourth book, which was when, she felt, her character had slowly unraveled... But anyway, back to the wood. Hermione stared at this wood, as if willing it to change into porridge. Of course, she had forgotten, in her "wooden breakfast angst," that she was a witch, and ended up just eating her poor excuse for a breakfast. She thought about how lucky she was that this wood was polished, or else her tongue would have been covered in splinters.

Although the wood was polished it didn't stop pieces of it getting stuck in her teeth. When the others came down and saw her and what was at the table half screamed bloody murder running as fast as they could, the other students were still creeped out a bit and simply transfigured their breakfast. Although the others at her table didn't mind for when Pansy walked by she happened to be grinning at Harry.

Screaming bloody murder she tried to run away but fell over her fancy robes, which she had inherited from Malfoy... _Definitely a good day_, thought Hermione.

Hermione then drank deeply from her goblet (which happened to be filled with polish), and then headed over to transfiguration, as it was her first class of the day and she wanted to see if Minerva...er...McGonagall had received her letter yet.

Being on a first name basis with a teacher has its perks...unless you use their first name in front of other students. She had made that mistake and had quickly learned McGonagall didn't like it at all. Walking into the room McGonagall watched her take her seat, but because other students were coming she didn't say anything. After saying what they were going to work on she passed out their most recent essay they were asked to write. This was when she said to Hermione in a whisper, "Granger, see me after class." Guessing this was going to involve the meeting she asked to have with her Hermione nodded her head and smiled. Professor McGonagall almost had a heart attack.

Hermione easily transfigured Ron into a lamp (which Harry ACCIDENTALLY flung with all his force at the stone wall), and was thrilled when McGonagall awarded her 256 points to Gryffindor for her success. So happy, was Hermione, that she struck up another tune. This time it was, "Hedwig's Theme." Harry stared at her, annoyed, and informed her that was HIS theme music. Hermione shrugged and continued humming. When Harry started to really get angry, Hermione transfigured him into a pillow, and then hugged him to her body.

Harry wasn't happy about her stealing his theme music or turning him into a pillow, but once she was hugging him to her body he realized he LOVED it and she could hum his theme anytime.

The fact that Ron was a broken lamp in the corner who could do nothing about it made it that much sweeter. That is until Hermione bit him! Her stained teeth with wood peices went right into where his butt would have been.

_Hermione is lucky I can't scream right now,_ thought Harry. But then, as he thought more about it, Hermione was BITING him. Him. Harry. Her mouth was around his butt. He smiled (well, thought about smiling), in a way that, had Hermione known, she would have flung him over to join Ron. But luckily for him, he was a pillow, and had no facial expressions what-so-ever.

The fact that Ron was a broken lamp in the corner who could do nothing about it made it that much sweeter. That is until Hermione bit him! Her stained teeth with wood pieces went right into where his butt would have been.

_Hermione is lucky I can't scream right now,_ thought Harry. But then, as he thought more about it, Hermione was BITING him. Him. Harry. Her mouth was around his butt. He smiled (well, thought about smiling), in a way that, had Hermione known, she would have flung him over to join Ron. But luckily for him, he was a pillow, and had no facial expressions what-so-ever.

Hermione continued to knaw on it until McGonagall saw what she was doing and once figured it out asked her to turn him back immediately...after bargaining for 5 more minutes she turned him back.

'That's going to leave a mark,' thought Harry as he could feel the bruise forming on his left buttocks... 'But she bit my butt. This is the happiest day of my life!". Hermione meanwhile was completely oblivious and was now making a tower out of some pencils which she had transfigured using some of the kids in the class.

Finally, the bell rung, and all the students left. Well, everyone but Hermione and tower of pencils. Hermione threw the pencils at the ground and ran to Min...er...Mcgonagall. "Oh! Professor McGonagall! Did you get my letter? Did ya? Did ya did ya did ya? ANSWER ME GOD DAMNIT YOU LITTLE..."

Minerva's hand went up to silence her and the look on her face shut up the head girl immediatly. "Yes, that rude letter you sent me this morning, I did get it. Sadly though you were half right, I do have something up my butt but it is not a stick...well some refer to it...ANYWAYS! What are these issues concerning the 7th years that you needed to discuss with me?"

Hermione meanwhile was thinking 'I knew there was something up her ass, I'm not the smartest girl in our year for nothing...TEE HEE!' Realizing Minerva had stopped talking she began to explain why she had this meeting..."

"Well, you see," Hermione said, "it's not the seventh years really. It's the seventh year boys. They're all HITTING on me. And it was really cute and adorable how I could get shagged about three times a day, but now it's just getting boring, and I'd like them all off my back. I can't be at the top of my class if they're all snogging me." Hermione explained all of this to Minerva...er...McGonagall... as if it she was explaining how to peel carrots. "In addition, I think Snape has got a...thing...for you," she added with a whisper. She then tee-heed in a way that reminded McGonagall of Lavender. Oh, this would surely be a migraine day.

McGonagall gave her a pitying look "You poor girl. I will try to get the boys off your back, but their may be some that are a little more...persistent. Simply give them detention and deduct points if they continue and it is unwanted. One more thing..." at this the volume of her voice decreased greatly..."Does Snape really have a thing for me!". Hermione enjoying this moment nodded her head and released another Tee-hee which for some reason had always bothered this specific professor greatly. Watching Hermione for a minute considering taking points from her but couldn't because she was her favorite she responded "Well you can tell Snape that he is a little too late and I am now with someone" In a quieter voice "Tell him to meet me here at midnight...do not tell anyone about this Hermio...Ms. Granger. I am trusting you to deliver the message". Hermione already thinking of who she should tell and where to set up the magical cameras she nodded her head and said "I swear."

Hermione then galloped out of the room and crashed into her one true love. Wait, no. That wasn't Harry. That was Ron. Hermione rolled her eyes as she pushed him aside to find Harry. She squealed and yelled at the top of her voice, "McGonagall and Snape have a thing for each other! I could sing!" Harry raised his eyebrow. Yes, he understood her want to sing when Malfoy had received detention in first year, but to do so for the oh so wrong and oh so disgusting I can't get it out of my head it's haunting me late into night relationship (possibly sexual relationship) between McGonagall and Snape? That was just disturbing.

But then Harry began to think: the perfect blackmail. The perfect way to revenge his father and Sirius and have a good laugh in the process, maybe even forcing the professor to give him house points.

'This is perfect! How will I record it? Hermione of course!' Running to catch up with her (which was difficult since she was skipping through the halls at a fast pace) he managed to make her stop near Moaning Myrtle's bathroom...'God that is such a dirty name for a bathroom. It sounds sick!' Harry then turned to face her and said, "Hermione I need your help."

Hermione looked at him, then smiled and said, "You always need my help. Whether it's with Voldie..." Harry stared at her. Voldie? Since when did she call Voldemort " Voldie?"

"...or Voldie," Hermione continued, "...or er, Voldie... Anyways, what will I get in return, a pat on the back while you get all of the footage?" Hermione did indeed know exactly what he was talking about and she wasn't going to come out of this one empty handed. Harry looked at her in shock...

_What can I do! I know...I'll say that I'll go out with her! I win both ways since I like Hermione a lot and I get the footage!_

"I'll go out with you!" Harry screamed.

Hermione smirked at him. "Do you seriously think that my pure intellectual genius is worth a date with you?" Secretly, she wanted to go out with him, but the thing to bargaining (and gambling, in case anyone was interested), is to not let your boy toy...er...opponent...find out what you really want. In this way could you get anything you ever wanted, and possibly more; for example, a toilet seat.

But then she began to think 'If I agree I won't have to worry about the other guys hitting on me, will definitely have access to the footage AND I get to go on a date with him' She couldn't let him know that so she started off saying "I'm not sure Harry, would I REALLY benefit from that..." Pretending to consider the look on his face she said "Fine, I can see how much you want it, but you have to guarantee me a copy of the footage and be near me all the time..."

Harry Heard the last part and instantly asked, "Why?"

"Because..." _Damn it._ "…because I don't want those other guys hitting on me! Is it a deal or not?"

Harry shook his head. "No, no. I know why you want to go out with me. Because I'm charming, good looking, and face it, I'm every girl's dream. What I want to know is why you want in on my action. I mean...c'mon. It's my action!" Harry whined the last part.

Looking at him with displeasure, she replied, "No way Harry, this is mine and you're not getting away with taking it away from me this time! I am going to be in on it and I am going to get most of the credit and YOU are going to act like the good little bitch you are and tag along, use it for whatever you want, and hang around me 24/7." She decided to avoid the first part of his sentence because she wasn't going to tell him how she really felt...'that would give him more ammunition!', so looking at him she said, "And what about YOU! You are the one who came up with the idea of us going out on a date. Do you know why you did? Because I am smart, I've saved your ass more times than you can count, and I am good looking."

Harry sputtered. What the Hell was going on here? Had Rowling managed to mess up Hermione even more than the last random story? First Voldie, now a wood eating, demanding, glory seeking, delusional Hermione? No way. Uh, uh. After all, Hermione may be hot, but really. No hotness could compare to the boy who lived, the chosen one, Mr. Harry Potter.

Deciding though that catching Snape doing who-knows-what (he had three guesses and he wasn't counting the first two), he was forced to just look at her, not shaking or nodding his head. After a minute of silence...well almost silence (Hermione was humming...AGAIN). So anyways, after the minute of almost-silence-between-the-two-except-for-Hermione's-humming, Harry said, "So is it a deal?"

Hermione stopped humming and looked up. "If you agree to the terms then yes, it is a deal." Harry then got an evil grin on his face

"Then let us start planning."

Hermione opened her mouth to begin to speak but he immediately cut her off. "I know you want to go to the library, go on ahead, I'll meet you in a bit." For some reason though Hermione looked up at him the same way she would have looked at an alien... or Dudley

"What are you talking about! I am going down to eat in the Great Hall. Also, YOU are coming with me because I am not letting you out of grabbing distance."

So, grabbing the sleeve to his arm, she tugged him down to the Great Hall.

On their way to the Great Hall, Hermione knocked down two bowling pins. Wait, no. That was Dobby and Winky. Hermione was about to apologize when she noticed that they were snogging. Hermione began screaming at the two while Harry scratched his head. He had been so certain that he had murdered Winky already... This thought was blown from his mind, however, as he realized why Hermione was mad. "YOU MADE OUT WIITH SOMEONE ELSE!" she screamed at Winky. "DID OUR PASSION MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?" Harry, disgusted by this, and also extremely jealous, transfigured a potato he was holding into a knife and then jabbed it in and out of Winky in various places.

Apparently though Dobby didn't care because the last thing he saw was Dobby dragging her into the nearby closet and already pulling down his little pants...that isn't something he could use to blackmail anyone with though so he continued walking with Hermione wondering when Dobby became so...so...horny! First Mrs. Norris and now a dead Winky. He smiled as he continued to walk with Hermione.

Hermione, on the other hand, now had other things to worry about. Her last thought on Winky was, _Harry killed Winky 'cause he was jealous...oh well. She deserved it and he scored some major points in my book_.

She reached the Great Hall with Harry. She normally heard a rude comment by at least one male, but this time she heard none. Instead she saw them all looking at Harry, unsure of what it meant and knowing not to insult her in front of him. Once seated and shooing Ron away she began to think, _How the hell am I going to pull this off? I better finish fast so I can go look up the spell and cast the charm_.

Harry on the other hand wasn't eating; he was too excited about finally busting Snape. _This is it, Hermione is going to serve his ass to me on a platter...I love that girl..._ Realizing what he just thought he added to himself, _AS A FRIEND!..._

Much to Harry's disappointment, Hermione left the Great Hall for the library. Once there, she began randomly picking out books to find out how to charm a video camera to work in Hogwarts. The books she chose included, "How to Feed a Great Big Snake," "When You Know You've Let Your Antlers Grow too High," "How to Measure a Carrot," "Carrot Peeling (For Dummies)," and "Most Potent Potions." Hermione was very upset that none of these books helped her with her task, and, in anger, threw them at Madam Pince, the librarian. Madam Pince on any normal occasion would have thrown Hermione out of the library, but considering she was unconscious, this was a little hard to do.

Harry soon joined her, remembering the deal, and grabbed the book, "How to Transfigure Objects into a Camera in Order to Blackmail your Least Favorite Teacher." He showed this to her.

"Maybe this one will help you?"

Hermione looked at it closely. "That might work...I'm not sure, I'm sure it isn't too hard and since I'm decent in transfiguration…" (in reality she had over a 100). Taking a look through the book she quickly found what she was looking for; it would record 10 hours of what was going on and detect body heat so it would never be pointing at hair. There was no escaping it. She grinned and quickly practiced it, aiming for Harry, but he was apparently expecting it, because he lifted a book up and it turned into a camera. Smiling at her creation she smiled and found the invisibility charm to use on it and quickly casted the charm, once again, working perfectly. "I got it, but we better hurry up otherwise Mine...Professor McGonagall will return or students will go in there for... a snog." Quickly they put the books away. Harry laughed at Madam Prince while others were snogging in the library while they had the chance. They headed for McGonagall's classroom.

"Can you feel the secretive, discreet, sneaky, genius, ideas of Hermione Granger tonight?" Hermione sang... "Under a camera...under a camera... dahling it's better, under a camera, take it from me!" Harry stared at her and rolled his eyes. This must be another out of character Hermione moment. He tried to take advantage of this by running away so he could get his footage, but Hermione instinctively held tight on Harry's sleeve. Harry didn't dare pull any harder for fear that he might rip his shirt. God knows what destruction that could cause.

Getting close to her so she wouldn't wrinkle his shirt anymore, he put his arm around her waist for two reasons. The first being so she would NEVER grab his shirt again, or at least not that day. The second reason was he was dying to do it and she seemed so busy singing that she hardly realized what he was doing until they had made it to the classroom. She stopped singing "A-cuna-my-camera" once they reached their destination and instantly became alert.

"Harry you should have grabbed your cloak or at least your map!" Harry got a little annoyed.

"I would have but a certain SOMEONE was too busy singing to listen to anything I wanted to say, and plus we don't have a lot of time lets just do that, and stop wrinkling my shirt!" Hermione had once again grabbed on to his shirt to make sure he didn't go too far in.

"My plan, my magic, so I get to set it up the cameras. You can be the watch dog, bark if someone is coming."

Harry looked at her shocked, "You expect me to actually bark!"

"Yes I do."

She then left him standing out there before he could respond.

While she set up the cameras, another thought came to her. "Hey, Harry!" She called.

"What?" Harry asked, clearly annoyed.

"Bark like a Chihuahua, okay?"

"EXCUSE ME?"

"A CHIHUAHUA! BARK LIKE IT! Remember, my magic, my rules. Follow it, or die!"

Harry didn't dare say anything. Knowing Hermione, in this… could you call it a "state"?…he didn't doubt that she would try to brutally murder her. Maybe even with the Avada Spinach… Harry shuddered at the thought.

Not only was the Avada Spinach deadly it would leave some serious stains on his shirt and he'd NEVER let that happen. So agreeing to do what she said with a quick "Fine" (Hermione then made him do a practice bark clearly enjoying herself) he prayed no one would come down this hallway for he did not want to bark again for Hermione, let alone another teacher or student. He would get in trouble and it would hurt his reputation..._Of course it would be worth it!_

Once Hermione finished setting up the characters, she dragged Harry to the common room. The next morning they would collect the cameras. Meanwhile, Hermione was going to have some fun…

She led Harry over to a dictionary.

"What's going on?" Harry blanched.

Hermione brought out a box and announced, "SCRABBLE TIME!"

Harry stared at it. "But, er, Hermione? That's a checkers box."

Hermione shrugged. "Use your imagination. It's the key to everything."

78 minutes later, and Hermione was winning with 1.6 million points with words such as "laskahittydaflash,") while Harry was at zero, as, apparently, "cat," and "hat," were not acceptable Scrabble words.

"Harry it has to be 8 letters or more!" Harry looked at the board with all the hate he could muster.

"I HATE Scrabble!"

Hermione looked at him with an innocent face. "We could play Trivial Pursuit...it will be about the questions on the N.E.W.T.S."  
Harry looked at her in horror "What are you! Rowling has you in character!"

Hermione looked at him an evil grin..."I know what we will play. Go get Ginny while I conjure up tomatoes and 2 tennis rackets." Harry had nothing better to do and decided it was better than the first two options so he complied.

Once Ginny arrived, Hermione took the tennis racket, tossed the tomato into the air, and smashed the tomato towards Ginny with such force and accuracy that Pete Sampras would have been extremely proud (if not a tad scared). Hermione smiled as she continued doing this, and Harry soon followed suit. Hey, what could they say? Throwing red tomatoes at a red head was _fun_.

Apparently Hermione had some anger towards Ginny and apparently had the hots for Harry. Ginny was gagged so she couldn't scream or speak but Hermione could.

"You want his babies now?" Hermione asked, chucking tomatoes at her. For some reason though Harry couldn't stop laughing at the way Hermione was acting and it made him like her even more, if it was possible... Continuing to hit Ginny with the tomatoes (by this point they had set up a scoring system, hit her nose 50 points, etc.) he looked at Hermione and smiled seeing she was having a wonderful time.

However Hermione, being the reasonable person she is, realized how cruel this was. She untied Ginny and led her to her dormitory where all the other 6th year girls could laugh at her. Oh, yes. Very compassionate and sensitive was Hermione Granger.

_Well she deserved it_. This was the thought running through Hermione's mind as she dropped her off and everyone laughed at her. _At least neither of us lit her hair on fire like last time_. "TEE-HEE!" Checking her watch she realized they'd had so much fun it was already 2 or 3! _I wonder if they are done yet?_ She then went back down to voice her thoughts to Harry and to make sure he didn't get too far away.

"Harry, m'dear," she said, "do you think Snape and Minerva…er…McGonagall are done with their little rendezvous?" She fluttered her eyes at him. Harry didn't understand why she did this. To be quite truthful, neither did Hermione, but she thought it was a lot of fun.

Harry looked at her like she'd grown a second head after she fluttered her eyes and answered, "The longer they take the more blackmail I have...I think they will be done by 6" Hermione looked at him and suddenly got an idea.

"Well in that case while we wait..." She was walking towards him slowly and he wasn't exactly sure what she was doing, but if it was what he thought she was doing for once he was happy Rowling had her out of character. "Let's play sing along!"

Harry groaned. "No, Hermione. That is out of the question. NO." Hermione, however, ignored him and began singing.

"Look at this stuff? Isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my brain is complete? Wouldn't you say I'm the girl…the girl who knows everything?… Who is that girl I see? Staring straight, back at me? When will my reflection show, the nose pierced girl inside?"

Harry gave up after she started singing, "A Whole New Film," which by the lyrics clearly implied she was planning on making a video of this and selling it to the school, and as Head Girl and best friend of The-Boy-Who-Wanted-Hermione…LIVED, Boy-Who-Lived, would be able to sell them to almost every student and no one would know the original source and even if they did who would believe them? She loved being Head Girl...awesome bath, private room, and all the power she could ever want. Also, Harry acting like her boyfriend made her life seem perfect.


	3. Hermy Meets Voldie

**_Terese wrote this with me as well on Love ya! Anyway, I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters...god, this is getting annoying...heh Anyway, onward...  
_**

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Hermione couldn't believe her luck. It was 90 degrees outside and she had actually remembered her bathing suit this year, but she and the others couldn't go swimming because the giant squid had gotten sick!

"Isn't there something Dumbledore can do?" said Harry, who had been moaning about it for 10 minutes. Hermione felt the same way, but unlike him, she knew how to keep her mouth shut, so her response was, "Unless you want to jump in there and clean it up, STOP YOUR COMPLAINING!"

Harry smirked and said, "Fine, I'll just get my fangirls to do it. They all do love me." And to Hermione's disgust, he winked.

Hermione sighed. Harry could be so immature some days. Oh well. She was going to take this time to sun bathe in her new bikini. After all, according to all fanfiction, by the time she was in her seventh year, she was hot. So, knowing this, Hermione had bought a skimpy swimsuit and was now wearing it, hoping to get some attention from a certain someone.

Harry certainly noticed, but he had something of his own to show off. You see by the seventh year in most fanfiction not only did Hermione become hot, but he had muscles to show off. So after convincing the fangirls to start cleaning up the mess in the lake by giving them winks and a hug (this caused Hermione to fume), he then joined Hermione in the sun, knowing she was going to scold him. He guessed in another minute or two.

"Harry," Hermione said with a sniff. "Getting fangirls to do your dirty work is bad. Anyway, you need to concentrate on more important things. Like the way the sun is hitting my amazing body and making my now suddenly gorgeous hair glow golden. You have to pay attention, or else you won't notice that you think I'm an angel."

Harry then looked at her and noticed all those things, and a few more. Then he looked at her and responded, "And what about me? You have to look at my hot abs and chest and think about how Quidditch did it over the years. Don't forget to mention my dark messy hair once again all over the place but looking good and my green eyes. Do you want me to write this all down?" Hermione wasn't really listening though, because just like she would in class, she happily followed his directions. Then she took her pointer finger and poked his abs.

"You mean these?" She smiled at him _too_ sweetly, meaning she was up to something.

He flinched and said, "I would tell most hands off the merchandise, but I guess all the times you've saved me has earned you one touch..."

"Hmm..." Hermione said with a smile. "All of that was only worth one touch? How about a poke at your abs and fingers running through your hair?" Hermione smiled sweetly, putting on an innocent face. Harry gulped. Yep, Hermione was definitely up to something.

"Okay you can do that, but don't do anything else!" Harry then closed his eyes waiting for it, but nothing happened. He opened his eyes and there she was still wearing that smile.

"Harry you have to put your head in my lap if you want me to do it." Harry was starting to get worried. He had to put his head in the lap of not just anyone, but Hermione, when she was wearing nothing but a bikini.

_Maybe fantasies can become reality!_ Harry thought gleefully. Doing what he was told with a small but noticeable intake of air, he immediately closed his eyes so he wouldn't be tempted to look up

_She is doing this on purpose!_ he thought. Not voicing his thoughts, he relaxed as Hermione's soft, gentle hands ran through his hair. Then all of a sudden, tons of air bubbles could be heard from the lake. Harry opened his eyes, lifted his head, and looked in time to see Dobby's head in the water. He was going after something in the water.

_I don't even want to know._ Harry then lay back down, and Hermione continued to run her hands through his hair.

Hermione then began her annoyingly well-known song time. "You think you own whatever quidditch pitch you fly on, the snitch is just a dead thing you can claim. But I know ev'ry book and essay and creature, has a life, has a spirit, has a due date... Let's get down to business, to defeat, Voldemort! Did they send me wimps like Ron, when I asked, for bunnies? Scar scar-ma-ny, scar scar-ma-ny, scar scar, ma-ny, a scar is as lucky as lightening can be... Come along and sing the song and join the jamboree! H-A-R-R-Y P-O-T-T-E-R! Harry Potter Club! Harry Potter Club!" Hermione droned on and on.

As she continued to sing songs, she was now singing sick versions of Christmas classics when it was practically summer. He didn't even bother to ask. Harry slowly drifted off to sleep. Now comes the part where there is a little twist, which there of course was. Hermione tugged a little on his hair and Harry's eyes shot open.

"Hey, what did you do that for?" Hermione stopped singing and looked at him like he had been the one who drank polyjuice potion with animal hair in it.

"Harry, silly, I can't let you fall asleep out here. I want you to listen to my singing and plus what if I want to talk to you? You have to stay awake!" She started singing again like she hadn't almost ripped all of Harry's hair out of his head.

"Who is that girl I see? Staring with straight hair back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Somehow the fans will hide, who I am, though stop them I try... You've got a shish kabob in your hair. You've got a shish kabob in your hair. When the road looks rough ahead and you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed, you just remember what old 'Mione said, boy who lived, you've got a shish kabob in your hair... I can show you the world, homework, teachers, Hogwarts. Tell me Potter when was the last time your big head didn't decide...? There you see me. Sitting here across the way, I have a lot to say and there's something about me. And you don't know why but you're dying to try, you want to kiss sexy me. Yes, you want me, look at me you know you do. It's possible I want you too, there is one way to ask moi. It don't take a word, not a single word, go on and kiss sexy me. Sha la la la la my oh my..."

She suddenly stopped singing because Harry decided to take the advice of the song, to him it being the best advice he ever received. He sat up properly to continue the kiss that she seemed to want just as much as he did, but they didn't get as far as he wanted because suddenly Ron was coming. He _definitely_ wasn't happy. He looked like someone had just said his sister dated Malfoy then shoved a broomstick up his butt. Wait, she was dating Malfoy, but that was a completely different story! So waiting for Ron to reach them, Harry finally realized this was his chance to show how much he hated Ron for liking Hermione and being a git these past couple of years because when Ron had asked her out Hermione said no.

Harry kissed Hermione once again, passionately, and wrapped his arms around her.

_This will show him!_ Ignoring his original plan to stop kissing, talk/argue with Ron, and then start kissing again, he decided that he was going to keep kissing Hermione and he wouldn't let someone like Ron stop him. Any minute now Ron would reach him...wait, what was that? The sound of someone jumping out of the water and running made Harry think someone was in danger so he pulled back from Hermione and saw something that made him almost wet himself.

With a shout of "Wheezey!" being Ron's only warning, Dobby had latched onto his leg! Ron, unsure of how to get him off, began running all around the grounds and eventually back into the castle. Harry would have been kissing Hermione again, but both were laughing so hard he'd be surprised if they were able to ever frown again

But, at that moment, who should arrived but...

"VOLDIE!" Hermione screamed happily. Harry groaned. He was just starting to get close to Hermione, and in comes competition. "VOLDIE, VOLDIE, VOLDIE!" Hermione jumped up and down excitedly and then threw herself at Lord Voldemort. Lord Voldemort stared at this hot mudblood who was latching herself to him. He was in a predicament. Go out with hot mudblood or kill her. This was a _very_ hard decision.

He didn't have time to make a choice though because Harry, after their moment, wasn't going to put up with this, and tackled him in a way that released Hermione's grip on him. This knocked both Harry and Voldemort to the ground. Hermione then looked at Harry wearing that grin he saw earlier.

"Someone is a little jealous. Don't worry, I never was a big fan of snakes." She then grabbed Voldemort's wand, which fell when Harry tackled him, and started saying, "Oh, pretty! I want it to be a different color!" So using her own wand, she decided to make it rainbow. "You have a stupid wand! Everyone will think you are when they see this!" She then began to laugh hysterically while Harry began to fight Voldemort.

Voldemort, like Hermione, was able to do wandless magic, but it was easy to see it wasn't as strong and he hadn't done it in a long time.

Voldemort concentrated hard on "Avada Kedavra," only to have a wreath of flowers fall on Harry's head. This, for some reason, pissed off Harry, and he yelled the worse spell imaginable. "AVADA SARDINES!" With a loud "NO!" Voldemort was smothered by sardines. Harry shouted in joy. Voldie was gone, and Hermy was his.

"Muahaha."

Victory being his and now having no reason why he and Hermione couldn't be together, Harry grabbed Hermione's hand and pulled her towards the castle, then paused.

"Hermione, why did you hug Voldemort back there?"

Hermione answered after much thought. "Ginny told me he was really hot before he became evil, and plus I had to see who had more muscles. Voldemort is physically a wimp; he has no muscles at all. That's why I decided I like you more!" With that, she skipped away. Positive he'd never understand how Hermione thinks, Harry began to follow her.

"You know," said Hermione, with a smile playing at her face. "I think this calls for a celebration. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" She raised her eyebrow at him.

"YES! YES!" Harry screamed.

Hermione smiled happily. "Oh, I love song time, too. You can start."

Harry looked at her now with a frown on his face "'Mione! I don't feel like song time right now, can't we do something else?"

For the smartest student of their year and Head Girl, he was surprised when Hermione got a confused look on her face and said, "What else is there to do besides song time? You already have used that tape of Snape to get him to dance in front of the Great Hall, so it isn't even entertaining anymore. Do you want to do homework?" Hermione finished, her eyes shining as if this was the greatest and most entertaining thing anyone could ever do.

_I hope she isn't serious!_

"Okay," said Harry. "Let me make this more clear. When a man and woman love each other -"

"I don't love you!" Hermione giggled. "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!"

"Right," said Harry. "Anyway. When a man and woman love each other - "

"I don't love you!"

"OH SHUT UP YOU IGNORANT LITTLE HEAD GIRL! STOP INTERRUPTING AND LET ME GIVE YOU THE DAMN TALK!"

"_Now_! When a man and a woman love each other…" He paused to see if she would interrupt which he was happy to say she didn't, anyways. "…they have a way of showing how much..." he had looked to the side as he spoke and saw she that was gone! He hadn't even gotten to any of the good parts, and she had left him talking to air! Sighing, Harry headed towards the Great Hall for dinner and immediately started laughing again when he saw Dobby was STILL attached to Ron's leg and didn't look like he was going to stop and let go anytime soon. Seeing the two seats at the end of the table open, he went to them and put a reserved seat sign on the other chair only to have Ginny sit on it.

"Ginny," Harry tried to say calmly. "This is reserved for Hermione. Not Ginny. HER-MI-OH-NEE! Now get off the damn chair before I Avada Spinach you."

Ginny was about to say something, but before she got the chance, Hermione had apparently seen her and made the chicken legs at the table go after her. Hermione then sat down and asked, "What were you talking to Ginny about?"

Harry deciding to respond similar to how she responded to him about Voldemort and said, "Well, Dean said that she had really nice, skin so I had to find out for myself. Her stomach actually isn't that small. That's why I decided I like you more." Then with a wink, he tossed the reserved seat sign he had put on the table and began to serve himself some food.

Hermione smiled. "Of course not Harry. I'm so damn hot, how could you?" She chuckled to herself. She had made a joke. "Now, Harry, be sure to eat enough." And with that, she took all the food from the table and piled on his plate. She smiled as she fed him, singing "This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)" to herself.

Even though he could never eat that much food to him it was the thought behind the gesture that made him smile. Deciding she should eat also since he got some things that the house elves didn't replace, he put some of his food on her dish. Then Harry called Hermione's name so when she began to respond he put some food in her mouth. "Yum..." Hermione just kept going until Harry shouted her name.

_When did Hermione becoming so musical?_ Hermione was once again singing, and he had a feeling it was one she had created for the names Voldie and Ginny were in it.

"Voldie and Ginny, Voldie and Ginny. They're both stupid gits, oh, oh, oh! Voldie and Ginny were sitting in a tree, throwing apples at dear old me. But then the cat flew and blocked them! OH! Voldie and Ginny... Perfect couple... Voldie and Ginny… Voldie and Ginny... Voldie...and...GINNY!" Hermione ended on her knees, her arms held out, smiling wider than she had ever before.

Harry had just finished his food while she was singing the last line, so he went over to her (she had gotten out of the chair to get on her hands and knees), and picked her up in his arms. Everyone began to whisper and McGonagall and Snape looked like they were about to hop out of their seats, but seeing who it was and knowing they had a certain tape, the two professors let Harry walk by and pretended they couldn't hear a squeeing Hermione who now wanted to ride on his back.

"Harry..." Hermione said with a sly smile. "You know what I want now?"

"What?" Harry asked, almost too happy to believe it was true.

"A piggy back ride!" Hermione screamed, banging her fists on his back. Harry groaned. How stupid could the number one student at Hogwarts be?

Finally allowing her to ride on his back, he was sure he had bruises after the number of times she had hit it, he asked her where she wanted to go. "I want you to take me to the Room of Requirement!" she said excitedly, her eyes gleaming. Harry froze. Maybe she did have some common sense, and the fact that he _was_ Harry Potter probably had something to do with it.

When they got to the door to the Room of Requirement, Hermione hopped off Harry's back and walked in front of it three times with her eyes closed. When the door appeared, she smiled and said, "Come on." Harry was so excited he was shaking. What he saw instantly made him look at Hermione in shock and surprise. She had practically created a karaoke bar. There were speakers and two microphones on a stage, and small tables were in front for people to sit down at.

_Why me?_ Harry thought miserably.

"A one, a two, a one two three!" Hermione screamed into the microphone. "Twinkle, twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky... C'mon Harry! Join in!"

Harry summoned one of the little camera's they'd used on Snape. Pointing it at himself he said, "This is my life..." He pointed the camera at Hermione who was still singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

He turned the camera back to himself. "My life sucks."


End file.
